DISCLAIMER: To any Knuckleheads that might read this, it is a Faux-erview. The questions are all real. The answers are all fake. If this gets your knickers in a knot…we don’t care!)
Hello Chuckleheads! Chester here, and I’m standing in front of the hesteric Fort Grounds Grill, in the beautiful Education Corridor of down town Coeur d’Alene.
An historic meeting is about to take place! After months of intense negotiation, yours truly, Chester Jester, is about to interview the so-called Dynamic-Duo of Political Kingmakers, Little Ronnie Lahr and Uncle Jeff Ward!
Our ground rules required a neutral meeting place, so the Fort Grounds Grill has graciously allowed us the use of their Republican Meeting Room. Let’s go in and get started.
Hostess: Hello, how many to….say, what’s with the get up? It’s not Halloween! Are you some kind of joker or something?
Chester: No, I’m a Jester. That’s a….well never mind. I’m here for an interview. We were told we could use the Republican Meeting Room…will you direct me there please?
Hostess: Sure…right through there (pointing)…it’s behind the door that says “Men”, please use the stall on the Right…Ha, get it…Republican…Right….
Chester: Ha, ha, very funny…
Hostess: Hey, there’s already a couple of guys in there…it’s gonna be kind of crowded!
Entering the Men’s room, Chester spots the Right stall… He hears voices and knocks…
Voices: Come in!
Entering, Chester sees Uncle Jeff and Little Ronnie, watching Netflix on an iPhone…
Chester: Good afternoon gentlemen…Hey, what are you watching?
Jeff & Ron: (In unison) Downton Abbey…wanna watch?
Chester: No thank you…we’ve got serious business to discuss. Can you turn that off please? It’s quite crowded in here…perhaps we could move next door?
Jeff: Sorry, that’s the Handicap stall…no can do!
Ron: They let Moderates eat in the dinning room…we could go out there…Jeff and I could vouch for you!
Chester: No thank you…this will do. Shall we begin…(Interrupted by a loud…)
Jeff: OUCH! Hey, your I-heart-Doo-ane pom pom just hit me in the eye…can you take your hat off, Chester?
Chester: Sorry, that happens in tight spaces sometimes. (Removes hat)
Ron: (Snickering) Nice hair, Chester! Looks kind of Larry Spenser-ish!
Jeff: I like your shoes…the curled toes are…(interrupted by Ron)
Ron: Shut up, Jeff…I was being sarcastic!
Jeff: Oh…
Chester: Enough! Are we going to do this interview or not?
Jeff: Ok, let’s get it over with!
Ron: Ok, but remember, some topics are off limits. We’ll play it, question by question. Agreed?
Chester: Agreed! Now as you know our readers, Chuckleheads as we affectionately call them, are of a conspiring mind and they have lots of questions. For quite some time now you two have billed yourselves as the political Kingmakers of the Kootenai County Republican scene. However, recently you have both hit a bit of a rough patch. Are you still in the political consulting business?
Ron: We are still at the consulting game, but we’ve distanced ourselves a bit for appearances sake.
Chester: Appearances sake?
Jeff: Yes, as Billy Crystal always says…”It’s better to appear maaav-elous than to be maaav-elous!” Appearance is everything!
Chester: Thanks, that explains a lot…How do you choose which candidates you will support and consult with?
Jeff: Cash is King….OUCH!
Ron: (Stomping on Jeff’s foot) What Jeff meant to say is that we work hard to vet our clients. We try to choose candidates that share our keen business acumen and solid ethical standards…like…Pat Whalen and Ed Morse, to name a couple.
Chester: So you like to have clients that think and act like you would with regard to politics, business and ethics?
Jeff: Yes, just like we would!
Chester: But wasn’t Ed Morse the guy who introduced legislation that could personally benefit himself without disclosing a conflict of interest?
Jeff: So what?
Chester: And wasn’t it Ed Morse, real estate appraiser, who was involved in the big appraisal and lease dust-up involving NIC? http://chuckleberriesonline.com/ed-morse-champion-of-the-insiders/
Ron: Chester, you’re missing the point. The point is…well, I think we’ve made our point and it’s pointless to go down this road.
Chester: Wow, Ron I’m impressed…pure political double speak…you guys seem to be masters at that.
Ron: Well…we at Reagan Republicans – Strategery, Strategery – Reagan Republicans pride ourselves on talking the talk!
Chester: Let’s move on and talk about your business “acumen” a bit. Ron, in 2005 you started a company named Pandamic Incorporated with Jonathan Pool. Is that correct?
Ron: Maybe.
Chester: According to public records in 2012 Pandamic Incorporated had Notice of Federal Tax Liens filed against it totaling $59,121.12, for Pay Roll taxes – is that correct?
Ron: Maybe
Chester: Now, isn’t it true that you and the rest of the Pandamic Incorporated principals are personally liable for those amounts due and owing for those Pay Roll taxes?
Ron: Maybe
Chester: Isn’t it true that Pandamic Incorporated was administratively dissolved in 2013 by the Secretary of State for failure to meet reporting requirements?
Ron: Maybe
Chester: You, Jonathan Pool and Scott Carpenter have been quite prolific in the creation of entities to do business in Idaho. Who are Jonathan Pool and Scott Carpenter?
Ron: They’re the guys, behind the guys, behind the guy!
Chester: Sounds rather vague…didn’t I hear that in a movie?
Jeff: Vaguery is the new clarity in the Shell Game business! Right Ron?
Chester: Cute Jeff, cute. Now Ron, can you tell me why, with your keen business acumen have you had so many companies fail?
Ron: I think your exaggerating!
Chester: Really? Let’s go through them all… Didn’t you, through Pandamic Inc, start Inland Empire Photo in 2007 which was administratively dissolved by the Secretary of State in May of 2013?
Ron: Maybe
Chester: Didn’t you, through Pandamic Inc, start Cre8tive Idaho, Inc. in 2010, which was administratively dissolved by the Secretary of State in August of 2012?
Ron: Maybe
Chester: Didn’t you, through Pandamic Inc, and with Jonathan Pool and Scott Carpenter create the Strategery Group, Inc in 2011?
Ron: Maybe
Chester: What happened to these companies Ron?
Ron: Stuff
Chester: Oh, stuff happens? Is that what you’re saying?
Ron: Right
Chester: Belly-up, wouldn’t that be the correct term Ron?
Ron: Define Belly-up
Chester: Isn’t it true that Jeff Ward is one of the owners of the Strategery Group?
Jeff: No, we had a slimming down sale, I sold my shares to Ron. http://www.cdapress.com/news/local_news/article_43ecc39d-e553-5afd-bc99-2e8586e1a62f.html
Chester: And that made you slimmer? Never mind… How much did you pay Jeff for his shares, Ron?
Ron: Define pay
Jeff: Appearances, Chester, appearances.
Chester: Now gentlemen, apparently you both have personal liability for federal taxes. Were those tax debts satisfied before money changed hands with regard to the sale of Strategery shares?
Ron: That’s off limits!
Chester: Let’s get back to your businesses Ron. Isn’t it true that in 2006 you created, through Pandamic Inc and with your Buds Pool and Carpenter, Xthings Manufacturing, Inc.?
Ron: Maybe
Chester: Isn’t it true that you and Jonathan Pool registered the name “Kootenai County Reagan Republicans” as an Unincorporated Non Profit Association, in 2012?
Ron: Maybe
Chester: You know Ron, lots of people laugh at the fact that you didn’t even protect the name of the organization that you were running before another group created and incorporated the Kootenai County Reagan Republicans, Inc. Sounds like you weren’t’ quite staying on top of your businesses….
Jeff: Yeh, pretty boneheaded move!
Ron: Shut up Jeff!
Chester: Now Jeff, in regard to your tax issues. It would seem that you are relying on the old “dog ate my homework” defense. Was it really just a clerical error?
Jeff: Darn Turbo Tax…really put me in a bind! But I’m on a payment plan. Won’t be long and everyone will have forgotten all about it….er, won’t be long before I’ll have paid it all off.
Chester: We heard you have a Mercedes Benz for sale. Couldn’t you use the proceeds to pay off your tax debts?
Jeff: Well, I thought I would use the proceeds for some of my charitable efforts…
Chester: Like brandy and cigars, with Ed Morse, and silly costume parties? …Sorry, that wasn’t nice, even if true. …We’re sorry about your financial woes, Jeff. We know that Capital One Bank sued you twice and that Chapman Financial Services, Inc. has sued you too. Given that you defaulted on those suits and you owe substantial amounts of money in judgments and tax liens, how do you think you can make it on the meager salary of a State Legislator?
Jeff: (Shrugs shoulders)
Chester: Ron, you, Strategery and your Buds are now doing business under the banner of Umbrella Consulting. Is Jeff paying you to consult on his campaign?
Ron: Maybe
Chester: Jeff?
Jeff: (Shrugs shoulders)
Chester: Jeff, you’ve stated that you have lots of other business experience, including having been in the book publishing business. What books did you publish and when?
Jeff: Well, I’m really not much of a reader…Pat Whalen loves to read…I’m more of a TV guy myself.
Chester: Oh, really…what do you like to watch?
Jeff: Well, our gang…that’s me and Ron, Ed Morse, Barry McHugh and the rest love Downton Abbey…wanna watch?
Chester: No thanks, I’ll pass. Ron, given the pretty dismal state of your personal business history, and the now transparent shenanigans of the Strategery/Umbrella – Reagan Republicans debacle, isn’t it time for you to throw in the towel on the business and political consulting game?
Ron: Don’t be silly, Chester! We’re still attracting victims…er clients to this day! While as we said, I’m going to work hard to get Ed Morse and Pat Whalen elected!
Chester: And you maintain that you attract and represent candidates with business sense and ethical standards similar to your own? Do I have that right?
Ron: But of course…. silly boy!
Chester: With tax and civil debts between the two of you and all of your entities approaching one hundred thousand dollars, not to mention the trail of belly up business you have left in your wake…In the name of humanity, why do you continue?????
Jeff: Cash is…
Ron: If you say Cash is King I’ll smack you into tomorrow!
Jeff: Sorry, what I meant to say was…birds of a feather stick together…like us and Ed Morse, Pat Whalen, Luke Malek, John Goedde, Todd Tondee, Bob Nonini…ooops, not Bob, we don’t like him…do we, Ron? He’s not a moderate…he’s one of those guys who really does support limited government, lower taxes and individual responsibility. Besides, he never would give us any money! (starting to tear and weep) He really, really, really, didn’t need us…
Ron: (Head in hands) Doh!
Hostess: (Knocks on outer door and yells…) Hey, you guys got room for one more in there?
Chester: Not really, but who is it?
Hostess: Some guy that looks like Larry Spencer but says he’s a Democrat.
Jeff: How’d he know we were here?
Ron: Spencer know everything…
Hostess: (Yelling toward front door) No, he can’t come in. No, he can’t eat in the at the Moderates table! He can take it to go and eat on the sidewalk with the rest of the conservatives!
Voice from next stall: Hey, you guys gonna be much longer?
Chester: I don’t think so but why?
Voice form next stall: Cause if you are, I was wondering if I could borrow a phone to watch Downton Abbey.
Jeff and Ron: Ed, is that you?
Chester sighs and leaves….
Hostess: Good bye Conservative Joker man!
Chester: That’s Chester…Chester the Jester…You’ve not seen the last of me squeaky voiced little Liberal girl…..Bwaaa haaaaa haaa haaaa ha!
Note: We have uncovered some additional information that did not make it into the faux-erview. It appears that Pandamic, Inc. is still conducting business at www.pandamicinc.com. Pandamic Incorporated was dissolved by the Idaho Secretary of State and there is no certificate of authority for it to conduct business in the States of Idaho or Washington. We’re not lawyers, but we don’t think that’s legal.
The phone number at that site is (509) 435-6349. That is the same phone number being used by Ron Lahr for his company Xthings Manufacturing, Inc. and the Reagan Republicans newsletter advertising sales. What gives Ron…are you lazy, sloppy or something else?
We wonder what kind of candidate would get into bed with guys with a business record like this?
We will post the public documents supporting the questions in this parody soon!